Supporting Grieving Children: Effective Strategies for Their Adults

Kaitlin Boger, EdD, LCSW, LCAC, DBT

1. Be Clear about What Happened

In the absence of information, children will often create narratives/stories about what happened to people they care for. They may believe they were the cause of what happened, for example, thinking a parent’s accident wouldn’t have occurred if they hadn’t misbehaved. This type of magical thinking is great for imaginative play but can be harmful when a death occurs.

When helping children process loss, it’s good to keep in mind that children express feelings differently from adults. They are often less vocal about emotions, and their behaviors do not always reflect how they are coping with grief. It is essential to show children that grieving is okay while also being honest about what happened.

When a child’s special person is sick, provide opportunities for them to visit. Children have a greater need for closure than adults realize. They are more likely to have a difficult time with a death when they were not allowed to participate while the person is still alive and coping with their illness. Children can be encouraged to draw a picture of the situation or write down special memories of the person. 

When talking to a child about death, we recommend using simple, concrete language like, “their body stopped working.” Phrases like “moved on” or “passed away” can be confusing and should be avoided. It is also important not to avoid discussions about death. Children’s grief support starts with honesty—kids pick up on adults’ emotions and conversations, even when told “everything is fine.” Providing open and truthful explanations can help children understand that grief is a natural response to loss.

2. Remind Children They are Loved and Cared For

In grief counseling for children, we often see three key concerns:

• Did I cause this?
• Will it happen to me?
• Will it happen to someone I love?

When supporting children through grief, reassure them that they are safe and loved. Validate their feelings with statements like, “I can imagine you might be sad, mad, or confused about what happened. Can you tell me more about how you feel or what you’re thinking?”

Don’t worry about the right things to say.  Your presence is what’s most important.

A foundation of bereavement care for kids is ensuring they know they are not alone and that there are caring adults to support them.

3. Prepare Other Adults in Their Life

Other well-intentioned adults may say unhelpful things like, “Tell them later; they won’t understand,” or “They’re just kids; they don’t know what’s going on.” However, when helping children navigate loss, it’s essential to remember that kids notice body language and overhear conversations. They also pick up on the emotions of their parents and caregivers. If you are stressed or grieving, children will recognize it and may internalize those feelings.

When explaining loss to a child, encourage other adults to reinforce your messages. You can say, “I’d appreciate your help—please support what I’m telling them or, if unsure, just listen.” Other adults can play a critical role in children’s emotional healing by serving as a trusted person for them to talk to.

4. Maintain Routines and Provide Stability

Children need their routines to help provide stability when they are experiencing hard things. Adults can model healthy expressions of grief by also maintaining routines. It takes at least 6 months to return to a normal routine after a death or loss – this is why we need to try to keep the pieces of the routine we can.

Children will “act out” the most with the people with whom they feel the safest.  Just like adults, children can act angry when they are really experiencing sadness. It can be common for children to talk about the death or even act out the death. It is important that the adults in a child’s life don’t take actions during grief personally. Children often need help with problem solving or creating a coping skill for their grief feelings. If helping your child cope is emotional or difficult, remember to seek professional help for yourself. It can be extremely difficult to help a child while you are hurting.

5. Activities for Grieving Kids: How Different Ages Experience Loss

Toddlers

Toddlers are natural explorers. They may need to talk about the person or see reminders to understand what has happened. It is common for them to ask repeatedly where the deceased person is, as they often believe death is temporary. They may not show grief in expected ways.

Elementary-Aged Children

Children in this age group often worry about who will take care of them if their caregiver becomes sick or dies. Some may believe that their actions or words caused the death. You may notice behavioral changes, especially if the person who passed away was a part of their daily life. Providing clear explanations about death and reassuring them of their safety is crucial.

Preteens

Preteens often struggle to discuss death and may worry that another loss will occur. Behavioral shifts are common, and it’s important to ensure they feel heard and have an outlet for their emotions.

Teens

Teenagers may try to control or suppress their grief, fearing they will be seen as weak. Some may act impulsively or engage in risky behavior as a way of coping. Additionally, teens can think about what might have been if their loved one were still alive, which can sometimes lead to feelings of depression. Teens may or may not want hugs or other physical touch during this time, remember to ask permission to help them manage their feelings. Teens are most likely to see physical reactions such as chest tightness, changing in eating habits, trouble sleeping, and being more sick than usual.  Encouraging open conversations and offering teen grief counseling resources can be beneficial.

6. Recognizing When a Child May Need Additional Support

Children’s grief counseling or bereavement therapy for kids may be necessary if grief becomes complicated. Warning signs include:

• Difficulty expressing feelings
• Major disruptions in daily activities (e.g., sleep disturbances, concentration issues, appetite changes, or social withdrawal)
• Signs of depression or anxiety
• Regression in behaviors such as bedwetting or clinginess

A child’s history and current situation can also impact their risk for complicated grief, some complicating factors can include: other trauma or loss, the death causing a hardship (such as financial concerns or change in housing or school), the death was unexpected or child did not get to prepare for it, death was not explained, persistent thoughts of death, loss of interest in favorite activities, isolation from family or friends, use of drugs and/or alcohol, thoughts of suicide, and/or physical aggression toward family, friends or animals.

If you notice these concerns and would like guidance, or if you are looking for children’s grief support groups, reach out to our Kids Path Counseling Program at 336-621-2500. Our compassionate grief and loss therapists are here to help navigate this challenging time.